Wednesday, November 3, 2010

gathering my thoughts

I've been having a lot of epiphanies lately. My brain just seems to be working over time. Processing processing. I know what I really needed to do today was go for a walk because that always helps me think. Puts things in perspective. But I didn't. All this thinking just made me exhausted and so...I slept. Twice! Two separate naps. I felt guilty for a while but then I thought I really must have needed it because it took all of 3 seconds for me to fall asleep when I DID lay down. Anyway.........

I would have to say that this whole thought process started a while ago with my post about not fitting in. It got me to thinking about "friends" and what that really means to me. Past AND present! what KINDS of friends we all have.What LEVEL of friendship is reached with each person. Why we are attracted to certain friends and can't seem to shake others. Why do we feel secure enough with some of our friends to 'fight' or 'argue' knowing full well that it will NOT break th friendship.When you don't like someone; is it because they possess a quality that you recognize in yourself? When someone doesn't like you; do you take it to heart? Does it depend on who that someone is? As you can see......I was overloaded. I was quite surprised to hear some feedback about my post on "not fitting in". It was shocking to me how many felt the same way.

I went to Vancouver this weekend and was faced with 3 different levels; or 3 different KINDS of friends. This got me thinking even more. Then out of no where; we were crossing a bridge and big bold letters I saw a sign. it said "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT"!  Ok ok! I know it sounds hokey. I thought it was too. But the universe works in mysterious ways. If you are open to it, the answers will come. Since that moment I feel the answers have been coming in floods!

With age comes wisdom. Not that older people are smarter but you have had a lot of time to process things and deal with things. (only if you are open to it). I was molested as a child more than once. I won't go into details but I have figured out that those events; (along with many others) have changed the way I relate to people.Therefore how I make friends, who I make friends with, how I treat those friends and how I value those friendships, WERE all based on how I felt about myself. Now having said that..... I made a lot of bad decisions in the friend department. I wanted things from people. I wanted them to provide something that was missing at the time. Sadly enough, I never knew that that something was just TRUE friendship. Someone to be there through thick and thin no matter what. That's a lot to ask of a 6 year old but I demanded it. lol Truly! Each friend I met as a NEW person was the one I wanted to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVER! I even asked a girl in Grade 9 (the first day we met) if we could be best friends. Hello! Loser! We did become best friends but.....only because I asked her and we were 13 so what else are you going to do? We are NOT friends today. Obviously just asking is not a good basis for a lasting relationship! hahahahaha

Having 3 "kinds" of friends with me at the same time ~ knowing them for different lengths of time ~ in different ways really made me take a look at ME! I evaluated my friendships on PAST friendships. I evaluated on past ideas I had of myself. I had to break that cycle. I find myself in a town that I love (admittedly) and feeling very alone. It's not the town's fault. It's mine.

 I was popular in school. I've been demanding that ever since! Life doesn't work that way.I wanted to be so important in EVERYONE'S life that I didn't realize what's really important is to be really important to a few! I became friends with a few people , but  ditched them because it was obvious they already had a CROWD that they hung with.There's no room for me! What kind of crazy thinking is that?  I've been hurt by friends because I elevated the expectations without telling them. I've woken up people. I'm changing my ways. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes. I am open to them all. I don't need to be everyone's BEST friend. I don't need them to be mine. I have close friends that may not be close in proximity but they are there none~the~less.

The most wonderful thing about this whole process and these realizations, is that so many doors are now opening. I feel free! I feel like I can just BE! I don't have to be ON all the time. If you don't like me; I don't care! I know who I am and I LIKE who I am. I feel empowered to try new things. I feel like I have a voice that I have been hiding for fear of judgement .(literally and figuratively) lol I can't relate to you what a great feeling this is. If only it hadn't taken me so long. This is the kind of empowerment I wish on every woman! 

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get my point across without using more examples and then have some people think that I was referring to them. I guess all that thinking helped with the delivery. Sorry for the lack of controversy! lol

My life is turning around and I feel alive. I'm truly happy!


  1. well written friend:) Friendships do seem more difficult as we get older, wiser and move on....I am glad you are figuring this all out and your happiness is and will be contagious!!!

  2. WOW Erin . . . that is just fantastic. I love how you express your joy and your new-found freedom. I am glad we are friends. You are a beautiful person in and out and a TON of fun. I'm glad that you let me hug you. lol I was hoping that Bobbi wouldn't rub off on you in that regard. LOLOL (Love you, Bobbi) But seriously, Erin, I feel honored to be your friend. I only wish we had learned to know each other much sooner. Having gotten to know you is kinda like finding a little gold nugget that was hidden away deep in the sand only to discover something very special and precious!

  3. Can't rub off on someone if you don't hug them...lmao! Love you too Rosalie!
    P.s. Erin you are most certainly one of the strongest people I know, you are a survivor!!! I love you:)

  4. Thank you ladies! makes me smile! :)


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