taking the plunge. my final post here

I'm taking the plunge and heading over to wordpress.com. I can't keep flitting back and forth....so off I go. I choose wordpress. My new address over there is http://a-place-of-my-own.com/

I hope you will come 'follow' me there! I will keep this blog up for a week if you have any questions. I'm not sure I will have the answers, but I will certainly try to answer to the best of my ability.

see you there!

changing my address

I'm switching to Wordpress.com. It's still quite the learning curve for me, so I'm not sure I want to get rid of this one yet. If you care to check it out.... here is the link!new blog address   Eventually I will only be on wordpress( I think) so if you want to 'follow' there, you can.  This is all so confusing to me. bear with me please.

the right stuff at the right time

I'm reading. I've read the Hunger Games. The movie is out soon. My son has read all three books. I want to see the movie with him and so I read the book. I loved it. Another movie, coming out soon, is "Blue Like Jazz." The movie comes out April 13th, I believe. Recommended by a good friend, I sought it out. It was hard to find. My husband eventually found it for me. I can't say it was easy to start out. But I'm loving it so far. So many times I find myself talking to the author in the margins. I suppose that's a good thing. One paragraph in particular caught my attention.

     "Because I can't be here anymore.I don't feel whole here. I feel, well, partly whole. Incomplete. Tired. It has nothing to do with this (church); it's all me. Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be........"

I believe I have said something to that effect before. Almost word for word. I think perhaps if we all look deep, we've all felt that way at some point or another.

My vacation was just that. a vacation from all the thoughts, obligations, everything! Coming home, I tried to bask in the memories. The glow of how luxurious the time away was. The snow did not help. It slammed me right back to reality. As did the bickering of my children.

I continue to dream, unaware of where it will take me and what will come of it. If I don't have my dreams, what do I have?

some catching up

Home from Cancun. I have pictures to download, blogs to read, laundry, unpacking, etc etc. I will certainly try to fit in the time to blog!I  have missed reading all the blogs I follow, but had a great relaxing time in the Mexican sun! I will return soon............................

Adios!

We leave in a few hours for the hotel. We'll spend the night and then in the wee hours we'll head to the airport. I'm really excited. I've been to Mexico before, but not Cancun. I've been on these business trips before too. So I'm not sure what is different, but I feel different about this trip. It was a full moon last night. I associated my mood with that. I'm not entirely sure that was the only reason for my mood. I can't even really explain it. I even feel different this morning. Everything seems clear. Not foggy. Not bogged down. I don't know how to explain. I like it though. I feel light. Is that possible? To feel light? I'm positive I did not lose any weight over night! LOL

Well.......Whatever the reason, or the feeling, I hope it holds. I haven't felt this 'free' in a long time. Perhaps it is the thought of not having any distractions, not having to make any decisions, not having to worry about anything. I have been doing a lot of that lately. Trying to control everything. Not Letting goD, is very exhausting. I like this feeling, so I'm going to have to try and "let go" more often.

I'll be back in 11 days. Who knows? I may even blog while I'm there. Unlikely, but I've learned to never say never.
Adios!(practicing my Spanish)teehee!

the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.


Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree


And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)

It needs more time

I have a post. It's still in my brain. well actually a little of it spilled over onto some paper, but most of it is still in my brain. I'm not quite ready to start writing it on the computer yet. It's a work in progress. I probably shouldn't say anything, because saying so, just makes it sound like it's going to be epic! I don't know that it won't be, but, I wouldn't want to set it up to fail. ;P

It's been lurking in my brain for some time. Tonight I felt compelled to write some of it down. Not that I would forget, but, more of an organization of thoughts.

I'm writing THIS post but I just can't seem to bring myself to start the other. You know when it's going to take a lot of concentration, and you know you just can't muster enough of it? That's how I'm feeling. But I felt I should write something because it's been quite a while. I guess I also wanted to say "hello" and I'm still here.

I know I'm not obligated to write. My writing is more for me. than anyone else. But for my own satisfaction, I had to post something. So this is what you get. An explanation! Exciting, I know! It WILL get better!