Monday, February 14, 2011

The fog is starting to lift

So I did some vague blogging a few days ago and I apologize for that.I had a good reason though. I was not in a  good place, so I didn't want to blog and hurt feelings so I remained silent. I didn't want people to think that I had disappeared off the face of the earth either so........I vague blogged and for that I am sorry. I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk about this but here it goes anyway...
 A few years ago I 'THINK' I had a mid life crisis. I don't think I knew it at the time but in hind site....that's probably what it was. I questioned everything. What am I doing here? Shouldn't I be doing more? I don't feel that zest for life. I'm not excited to get up in the morning. Most days I just wanted to go back to bed.Fortunately for me I have THE best husband and we talk about EVERYTHING! I'm not sure if I dragged him into my midlife crisis or if he was having one of his own. We talked about moving~ getting out of this town, this province and yes, even for a while; thought about leaving the country. We thought maybe we would go to Australia for a year. We looked into it and everything. Brad thought about going back to school to get his MBA. He got so far as even registering for classes. We wanted (still do) more for our kids. More opportunities, more amenities, more experiences. We didn't feel like where we were at was helping anyone. It was stifling to us all. At least that's how I felt.
It didn't end there. I questioned ALL my friendships. I felt very alone,in that I had a lot of acquaintances but not a lot of REAL FRIENDS. I started feeling angry about my childhood for the first time in my life. My lack of guidance and support, and the ongoing sexual abuse and how it affected me later in life. I've always had issues with people trying to control me. I'm always being quoted by my family for saying "you're not the boss of me!!" since I was about 3. This had made for a difficult relationship with my in-laws. That's a whole other story! All this culminated into a uncontrollable crying fit one day. I was exercising( of all things) on the elliptical and I just burst into tears. So after I made an appt with my dr....he prescribed Zoloft for me. I have been on it for a few a couple of years now and so much has changed. Things are much better and I have MADE some changes to MAKE things better. I won't go into the details but; I made the decision that I no longer needed the medication and therefore saw a dr to help me wean myself from this drug. comes my vague blogging!
First day I was dizzy, then grouchy, then pissy, then annoyed, then downright angry. My dizziness got so bad it made me nauseous. My old "fleeing" instinct came back and all I could think of was "we should just go somewhere and start over!" My friends were annoying me with their stupid problems and I had to take a step back and say....whoa Nelly! I was frustrated because I didn't know if these were side effects of going OFF the medication or if it was a huge sign,telling me to stay ON the medication. I refrained from blogging. I even stepped back from fb. I went to see Justin Bieber (the movie) with my 10 year old son. I bawled all through the previews and several times throughout the movie. There IS a happy ending and I'm getting to that. I still feel dizzy and I can't turn my head to fast without feeling like I'm going to fall over. I still feel a "little" on edge. But I'm starting to feel happy again and that is REALLY encouraging to me. I'm not taking ANYTHING and I'm happy! woohoo! I must say ...I knew I was in a bad place before when even shopping didn't help. I didn't even have the desire!!!!! Shocking I know! But after the show,Adam and I went shopping and I bought a lot of fun things, and it really did help my mood. I'm truly blessed to have a partner to help me through all of this and to keep his sense of humour. He knows when to push and when to back off. And the massage he booked for me today was fabulous too. Anyway....I'm on the mend. I'm hoping these symptoms don't last too much longer but at least now I know they are just side effects from the weaning and NOT an indication that I still need them. That in and of itself was a huge boost for me. SOOOOOO......Here are some of the wonderful things I bought. Gotta end on a high note, right????
the small silver leaf thingy I bought. flowers from hubby

new red clock. Old one died!

small black tray! :)

BIG silver leaf thingy for bigger table!

the one on the left is my old one. fine for me and a friend. the new one on the right is for me and a FEW friends!

new plates two different sizes to try and get my family to eat  more balanced meals. thanks Alana!

My new bag that I use to take my dancing shoes back and forth to rehearsal!

this is the other side. should have taken a picture inside....PURPLE!

This is my file/paper holder thingy that has yet to be put on the wall

my new pillow for my bed. this picture does NOT do it justice!!!! It's charcoal grey flannel! 

New necklace holder from 

gonna start making some healthier meals with my new grill

family size


  1. Aaahhhh, retail therapy. Love it. If a shiny new silver leaf and martini shakers don't make you feel better than what can?

  2. p.s. necklace holder from.....? I LOVE IT!

  3. Stella & Dot! you can hang it on the wall or use it like a picture frame!


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