the fine lines we can't see

I have a tattoo on my right wrist that says Let God. The d is quite faint(on purpose) to show the phrase is actually, Let Go, Let God. You get me? I have it there as a reminder to stop trying to control things in my life. To let things happen as they happen. To not force what is not meant to be. Letting go has never been easy for me and I doubt that will ever change.

The reminder is needed daily. I have a hard time with where the line is that says I should let go and the line that says: try harder, go after what you want, persevere, fight, be vocal, commit to your goal and never give up. Somehow we are supposed to know where the balance is. Somehow we are supposed to know how much is too much, how much is not enough, and don't even get me started on timing. 

Some days it's makes me crazy. The struggle inside my head is chaotic at best. Back and forth; a true tug of war about action and non action, speaking and staying quiet, fight or flight.  

Today the struggle was real. Too real. Fighting with yourself is not recommended. So I numb my mind with a long bike ride, a movie and spitz by the handfuls. But when the ride is done, the movie is over and only the shells remain of the spitz, the chaos begins again. 

Thursday musings. And by the way, I suck at meditating.

So I blogged last night and then pressed publish and nothing happened. All my beautiful words that came to me in that moment are now gone. They weren't saved and they weren't posted. So here I am this morning trying to recreate. I was telling of my epiphany of how this is my blog and not every post needs to be lengthy, relevant or even coherent. It took me a long time to come to that little piece of golden wisdom, but I believe I have accepted it as true. 

Most days I feel like this kid in this picture. (It's an old pic of my middle child, btw) I feel like a small child in an adult world, doing adult things. I don't think I am mature enough to make huge decisions, live on my own, and get the garbage out to the alley on time, but I do. I do all of these things and I guess that means I am capable. I am a work in progress and I'm trying to figure things out just like everyone else. One thing I've realized is that writing helps with this process. It keeps me sane, restores balance, and gives me a feeling of accomplishment. Writing makes things real for me. Not having my feelings validated is a huge soul crusher and writing validates all that I know and feel, even if it's just me doing the validating. And so I write. I write to feel whole, I write to fill my soul, I write to feel like I'm leaving a mark and someone will know that I was here. Anyway,,,,, If you're here for the long haul, welcome. If you're here just to take a look and have a peek, that's ok too. The only thing I ask is to keep this space positive. If you have negativity to spread, keep that shit to yourself. However, if you have comments or questions that are genuine, please feel free to leave them. I always enjoy reading them. And I will always reply as soon as I can. Thanks for checking out my musings

I'M BACK.....I think

I left wordpress after 4 years of not really blogging at all and think I'm ready to get back at it. I'm feeling the urge to write again, something a little longer than Instagram is set up for. We'll see how it goes. Facebook is still not my favorite platform, but I quite enjoy the "on this day" feature. As I was reminded of past blog posts, I went back to the blog and everything was still there.(HERE,as it were) I remember how much I enjoyed writing and creating all of those posts and have talked myself into giving it another go. A mistake? Perhaps. But the draw is there so......Wish me luck.

                                                      ...

taking the plunge. my final post here

I'm taking the plunge and heading over to wordpress.com. I can't keep flitting back and forth....so off I go. I choose wordpress. My new address over there is http://a-place-of-my-own.com/

I hope you will come 'follow' me there! I will keep this blog up for a week if you have any questions. I'm not sure I will have the answers, but I will certainly try to answer to the best of my ability.

see you there!

changing my address

I'm switching to Wordpress.com. It's still quite the learning curve for me, so I'm not sure I want to get rid of this one yet. If you care to check it out.... here is the link!new blog address   Eventually I will only be on wordpress( I think) so if you want to 'follow' there, you can.  This is all so confusing to me. bear with me please.

the right stuff at the right time

I'm reading. I've read the Hunger Games. The movie is out soon. My son has read all three books. I want to see the movie with him and so I read the book. I loved it. Another movie, coming out soon, is "Blue Like Jazz." The movie comes out April 13th, I believe. Recommended by a good friend, I sought it out. It was hard to find. My husband eventually found it for me. I can't say it was easy to start out. But I'm loving it so far. So many times I find myself talking to the author in the margins. I suppose that's a good thing. One paragraph in particular caught my attention.

     "Because I can't be here anymore.I don't feel whole here. I feel, well, partly whole. Incomplete. Tired. It has nothing to do with this (church); it's all me. Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be........"

I believe I have said something to that effect before. Almost word for word. I think perhaps if we all look deep, we've all felt that way at some point or another.

My vacation was just that. a vacation from all the thoughts, obligations, everything! Coming home, I tried to bask in the memories. The glow of how luxurious the time away was. The snow did not help. It slammed me right back to reality. As did the bickering of my children.

I continue to dream, unaware of where it will take me and what will come of it. If I don't have my dreams, what do I have?

some catching up

Home from Cancun. I have pictures to download, blogs to read, laundry, unpacking, etc etc. I will certainly try to fit in the time to blog!I  have missed reading all the blogs I follow, but had a great relaxing time in the Mexican sun! I will return soon............................