the fine lines we can't see

I have a tattoo on my right wrist that says Let God. The d is quite faint(on purpose) to show the phrase is actually, Let Go, Let God. You get me? I have it there as a reminder to stop trying to control things in my life. To let things happen as they happen. To not force what is not meant to be. Letting go has never been easy for me and I doubt that will ever change.

The reminder is needed daily. I have a hard time with where the line is that says I should let go and the line that says: try harder, go after what you want, persevere, fight, be vocal, commit to your goal and never give up. Somehow we are supposed to know where the balance is. Somehow we are supposed to know how much is too much, how much is not enough, and don't even get me started on timing. 

Some days it's makes me crazy. The struggle inside my head is chaotic at best. Back and forth; a true tug of war about action and non action, speaking and staying quiet, fight or flight.  

Today the struggle was real. Too real. Fighting with yourself is not recommended. So I numb my mind with a long bike ride, a movie and spitz by the handfuls. But when the ride is done, the movie is over and only the shells remain of the spitz, the chaos begins again. 

Thursday musings. And by the way, I suck at meditating.

Dear Patience, where are you?

I'm a control freak. I've let go quite a bit over the years, but I still like to have some control over every aspect of my life. I'm not sure if that's from my childhood, just the way it's supposed to be, or a product of my environment? Regardless..... It is what it is. I know this about myself and most days I'm ok with it. Other days I'm consumed with controlling things in my life that really and not control ABLE. Things that require time, patience, and due course. Things that no one else is controlling, save God. I know good things are worth the wait. But we don't really realize that until they come to fruition. You look back and say "that was so worth it!" Of course you're going to say that.....NOW you have what you want and everything else is in the past. This waiting part is the worst. I can't do anything to hurry the situation. And that, my friends, is agony some days.

So today I pray for patience. The calm to know that everything is working out the way it's supposed to. The serenity to know that, what will be what will be. To just be able to say "Que sera sera". Wait. I feel a song coming on.....................LMAO! Well at least I can still laugh at my silliness. I think rushing things wouldn't be a good idea anyway but today I would like a crystal ball to just take a little peak into the future to see how it all works out.

An THAT is where it's at today. So as a remedy I'm going to keep myself super busy.Blog, breakfast, elliptical, shower, wrapping presents, cleaning,lunch, visit a friend to get a book (that I'm sure I need), groceries, kids from school,supper,maybe a game.................. All with really LOUD music! hehehe

This picture could be me today, minus the frown and the baby. Add an extra martini! LOL
Thanks for letting me rant about stuff you have no idea about. It does help.

Editing my flawed thinking.........

On this day of your life, Erin, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are what you think of all day long.
Day after day your thoughts shape you like dripping water shapes rock. Pay attention to what you are habitually thinking about, - are your thoughts serving you well? 


This is an app(called 'God wants you to know') that I subscribe to on fb. I receive it every day. Most days I feel like it's exactly what I needed to hear but other days, I know it is; but choose to look the other way. Today I'm NOT ignoring it.  ' My thoughts are not serving me well.'  I'm so good at convincing myself that what I think, what I know, what I want and what I need are the RIGHT things.I also did a post about trusting your own self which plays a lot into my decision making about letting go. I got a tattoo on my wrist to remind myself every day that I am not in control, and I'm even ignoring that. My need to direct, where my life goes, and even the lives of others, is taking over my life. Letting go and letting God is not as easy as it sounds. I have some serious work to do. I'm trying. I really am. Some days it just seems so overwhelming.

Do you ever follow signs and clues, believing that this is the universe directing you on a path that is for you alone? I do this all the time. The problem is that I don't trust my decisions. Once I am well on my way down a certain road, I start the questions. Lately I have been filling my days and nights, searching. Keeping busy, living life, looking for the signs of where I'm supposed to go. To tell you the truth, I'm exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. My heart hurts, my head throbs and I'm not sure that I'm any further ahead. In fact, I'm sure I'm behind. Feeling like I've been focusing so much on making sure that the path I'm on is right, I've neglected to notice the things around me that are important (or should be important). I'm hoping today that this is a moment of clarity and not just another misguided epiphany. I seem to be having those a lot.( the misguided ones)


How do you  let go? How do you just be? Why do I feel like I always need to be paying attention or I'm going to miss it? I'll miss the opportunity to do what I was meant to do? How do I turn this off? I don't know the answers. And that's why I search . Do you see the vicious cycle?????

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those who seem to KNOW where they belong. They are exactly where they should be; doing what makes them feel alive. They have passion for something. People see that and envy them for it. I am one of the envious. I'm not sure how to achieve all these lofty goals I have; but I'm trying. That's all I'm asking of myself today.






side note: I hope you enjoy the music. Daryl Wilson is a good friend of mine and very talented!! These songs are on the album called Here Boy!

The wonderful confines of a job

I was never meant to have a traditional 9 to 5 job. I'm thankful for the ability to send my children off to school and to be here when they come home. I'm thankful that I don't NEED an outside job to pay the bills. I've imposed this "job" of writing my blog daily, on myself. Yet today I feel pressured. Someone has told me what to do and I don't like it. Even though that someone was ME! This has been the case with me for my entire life. I have been quoted by several people as saying "you're not the boss of me" as early at 2 years. If I think back to conflict, or battles that I have had over the years, they almost always stem from the fact that someone was trying to tell me what to do. How to live my life, or NOT live my life.I can even remember doing the exact opposite of what people told me I should be doing; just to show them how, in control and independent I was. It strikes such a nerve in me that I can't even describe how strong it is. I don't have all the answers and I'm certainly no psychologist but.....I think I thought I wasn't in control from an early age and therefore had to assert that I was, so more people wouldn't take advantage of me. It didn't always work and a lot of times it backfired. I got my panties in a bunch when I didn't need to and words were said that cannot be taken back. I believe it is the basis for the underlying conflict I have with my in-laws. They like to tell me what to do and how to live my life and well....that's just not how I roll. I still struggle with whether or not I should try to change this or embrace it. Some days I feel strong that I stick by my guns, am not afraid to speak my mind, go after what I want. Other days I wonder if this is a weakness, that I'm not doing a very good job of overcoming. It's a constant battle. I need therapy! Really! those are my thoughts for today.If you have any thoughts on this I would love to here them. Not that I will heed them but......hahahahahahah Just kidding! All will be taken with a grain of salt! I'm just sayin'!