Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Are my bad habits stronger than I am?

So I'm reading this book. It's very inspirational and I'm learning a lot about myself. I've always thought that I was an open person. Someone who had a good grasp of who she was. I'm always sharing and don't hold anything back. If you want to know something....just ask. I usually tell. So as I read this book I find myself a little shocked and surprised at all the mechanisms I use to comfort myself. FOOD is one of them. I am not obese but I AM over-weight. This is from over eating. So all these habits I have had( defense mechanisms) are unhealthy and I need to get rid of them. This is NOT an easy task. Some of you won't relate to this and some will think "that's not me"....but I ask you to indulge me because I, too, was shocked to find out that the habits I had developed were not just "western "society habits. Picture this....... A girl about 9 years old, sitting on a couch,watching t.v.! She is there by herself. Blanket wrapped around her she stares blankly at the screen in front of her. Now picture the same girl, but with a big bowl of popcorn in her lap, watching the same t.v.! Who 'seems' happier? Who seems lonely? Who seems to be there of her own choice, like the that's exactly what she wants to be doing? Who seems to be there because there is nothing else to do? Do you see what I see? the big bowl of popcorn is a buffer.Somehow having the food there makes it an "occasion"! A comforting tool that shows the world (or pretends to show) the world that this is her choice.She wants to be there. It's all a farce. How many of you can actually sit in front of a t.v. without eating anything????? I commend you if you can! Even an apple is healthy but....is it really necessary? That's my struggle right now. I thought I was getting so far with the book and doing so well.....and then.........
          I went to my first meeting  to start rehearsals for "Guys and Dolls". Those of you who have been following my blog, know that I  auditioned and got a part.I am a "hot box girl". There will be singing and dancing and probably costumes that will reveal more than I want the world to see. We all sat in this room last night and as we all said our names and who we were going to play in the play, I began to get a little nervous. ALL the other girls are skinnier than me. Yes yes they are. It's not my imagination. Some of them are mere teenagers and some are perhaps somewhere in their early 20's! Needless to say....I do NOT have the body I once had as a 20 year old. Now I know some of you out there will say "Oh but you are great just the way you are!" ..."you look fabulous (for your age)!" Blah blah blah. I hear you and I know in my head that this is true. I could lose a few( or maybe a few x20) pounds but I'm not gross or anything. I KNOW that. BUT!!!!!!!! It made me nervous and anxious and a little stressed out. I am in the process of losing this weight. Especially since I will be looked at by so many when I am on that stage. So after I came home from the meeting I promptly ate 3 cookies. Then I ate 3 more. Then I started to rationalize that I probably won't be able to eat these for a while if I'm going to get on that New Years Resolution......!!!!!! I had better have 3 more. OK that's enough. I should have a glass of milk and be done with it. Oh ya and I told myself months ago that I would not buy any more spitz until 2011. So what is the first thing I did in 2011? I bought some. for those of you who don't know what spitz are....they are salty sunflower seeds. I can eat a whole bag! Anyway.....i had eaten some earlier that day and the bag was NOT empty. I decided to finish it off so it would be gone and not a temptation.(great logic I know) I won't be buying any more! So now I have gotten over it. I had my little hissy fit. This is how I deal with stress. I would really like to find a different way of dealing with it and am working on it. This blog is helping too. It's good to get my feelings out. It makes them tangible and possibly surmountable! So I am back on the wagon. No more excess cookies to cushion my feelings! Thanks for letting me rant! Like you had a choice! bahahahahahahahaha
By the way....the song you are listening to is NOT me. It's Jann Arden and some other girl is singing with her in her own house while Jann plays on her CD player. I liked it because it reminds me of when I used to do the same! FYI!


  1. Oh Erin!! I love your heart!! and about the hotbox girls, I had the exact same feeling last night. my feeling was "what did I get myself into!!?" and I came home and ate a huge bowl of curry and some chocolates, and swiftly signed up for the sparkspeople for the 100th time. This time I hope to lose it before the show! You and I can stick together and we will be fabulous! Watch out teenagers! I am really glad you are one of the hotbox girls. I'd hate myself with a bunch of teenagers.

  2. Erin, the more I get to know you the more I love you. Thanks for being so open. I've always thought of myself as an open person but am I ever having trouble getting really going on my blog because I am afraid of what people will say. But I'm gonna keep trying.

  3. Another wonderful post Erin...
    I understand your insecurities...I would feel the same, however you have talent and life experience to back you, no skinny teenager can compete with that:)
    eating in front of the tv is my vice too...helps when Stu is home, I am pretty good but help us all if he is gone! I think you are on the right track...I bet those spitz with taste just as good in 2012;)

  4. KIKO: we need to go walking sometime. maybe once we are learning our songs....we can walk and sing! lol
    Rosalie: I think the same way. I started my blog to get my feelings out but find sometimes i censor myself because i know who is reading it. I'm working on that!
    Bobbi: Brad had gone to bed. Had he been up I wouldn't have eaten so much. what is up with that?

  5. had to change the song too. That girl was annoying me! bahahahahahahahahah

  6. This was great! As I was sitting there I was thinking..."gosh, I'm glad I'm not a Hot Box Girl - glad I cast such gorgeous confident women in those roles!!!" It sounds like this Guys and Dolls thing is a great weight loss program as I, too - have decided to shed some excess poundage before opening night...since I bought a kick ass dress - vintage looking...but for someone with a smaller vintage than my body is pulling off right now. We can do it girls! We are strong!! United we stand!!!

  7. HAHAHA! We'll kick your butt and get you into hot box shape...just you wait!


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