Friday, October 21, 2011

who I am

It's late. I like to stay up late. I'm a night owl. I also like to sleep in. I enjoy my bed and can stay in it for hours, even when I'm awake. Sometimes I like to drink a little too much and ask questions that make people uncomfortable. I'm bold like that. I love a deep conversation. I'm very non-judgmental and I like to know other people's secrets. I also know how to keep a secret. I will waive my need for sleep for the possibility of a good conversation. I'm open to new things if I think it will expand my understanding of someone else. Even if the 'new thing' scares me. Experience is everything to me. I find I've stopped "experiencing" things for the sake of being.............Erin  the mom. Erin  the wife. Erin the upstanding citizen in a small town. The Erin who, 'they' all expect me to be.

We've all seen Oprah. We watched her for years. I have anyway. I've seen so many women (on her show) in their 40's who say that they've really 'become' who they always were. They feel so confident in their skin. They're comfortable with who they are. I thought, " Well I'm not 40 yet but; I already feel comfortable with who I am!" I thought I must be ahead of my time because I'm already there. I wasn't there! But I'm getting there. I'm a whole lot closer now that I'm 41! (ya! I said it!...proud OF it!)

About 5 years ago I remember a conversation my mother-in-law was having with me and some others. She was talking about how you "feel" different in your 20's 30's 40's etc. I had to agree with her because I was already in my 30's and I did feel  different than when I was in my 20's. I didn't quite understand how my thinking and feeling would change though. I was very stable and happy with who I was. I didn't foresee any changes. Granted, my priorities would change as my life changed. I knew that. Although......I really thought I was already the person I was going to be. The person I was meant to be. I was 'done', so to speak.  ~   I was wrong. I'm still changing and growing and "becoming". It's exciting but it's also a little scary.

Sometimes, those that you've gathered around you are happy with the way you are. Obviously they are,or they wouldn't be there. When you start changing or 'becoming'; it's hard to fault those who fall away. Not everyone will like the 'new/old Erin'. You see, I've always been the same person. I changed who I was for my circumstances, for those who influenced me, for what I thought I should be, for what I thought I wanted to be. Now I want to be the real me. I'm still discovering who that is, but I'm gravitating to those who see it, and like it! When I can be myself and that person responds to it in a positive way; it's amazing!!! I'm finding a few. I'm also finding a some who don't particularly care for it and think that this might just be a phase. Perhaps something I'm "going through". To each their own. I'm ok with that, too. If the shoe were on the other foot; I might react the same.

It's a tricky bit. There are a few friends I've had for years. Some of us have grown (yes grown) apart. Some of us have grown closer! The friendships have grown deeper. I love this. The more I reveal the true me, the closer they become. How can that not be exciting? What a true compliment! Those that are not as accepting of this " new/old you"  are often oblivious. Is it a noticeable change in your "closeness" with each other? Probably only to you!

Well I'm really not sure where to go from here. I'm not sure how to end this post. I think back to those I met when I was just me and not sure of how to be anything but me! We all grow up and change but maybe there's something to be said for that 'first you' that emerged. The one that didn't know it could or had to change. The one that just WAS! Do you even remember her? I'm rediscovering and falling in love with her. I hope you do too!


  1. This is great! So I read your comment to me. When do u want to come over and borrow that book? I can make tea but really often don't feed my guests cuz I forget that's nice, or I don't have anything, or I plainly hate baking;) but tea would work great sometime next week or even for a bit Sunday afternoon or something;) talk soon!

  2. you, my dear erin are a brilliant you & i am so very happy to have started getting to know that you. see you tonight!

  3. wow. this is an amazing post erin. i am sitting at my kitchen table choking up a bit. i think things like this all the time. i thought i was done becoming who i was supposed to be as i head towards 40 but i don't think i'm done. i guess i'll have to see. i too will waive my need for sleep for the sake of a good conversation - i'm such a night owl - wouldn't want to miss anything now would i?! between you and bobbi, sheesh, it's nice to know there are people out there like me in many ways. was feeling a bit on my own there for a while. funny how life works...especially since i've never met you or had an actual conversation with you. great writing girl.

  4. Thank you everyone!! Teres; we will have to rectify that meeting thing one of these days! ;)


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