Thursday, July 14, 2016

the fine lines we can't see

I have a tattoo on my right wrist that says Let God. The d is quite faint(on purpose) to show the phrase is actually, Let Go, Let God. You get me? I have it there as a reminder to stop trying to control things in my life. To let things happen as they happen. To not force what is not meant to be. Letting go has never been easy for me and I doubt that will ever change.

The reminder is needed daily. I have a hard time with where the line is that says I should let go and the line that says: try harder, go after what you want, persevere, fight, be vocal, commit to your goal and never give up. Somehow we are supposed to know where the balance is. Somehow we are supposed to know how much is too much, how much is not enough, and don't even get me started on timing. 

Some days it's makes me crazy. The struggle inside my head is chaotic at best. Back and forth; a true tug of war about action and non action, speaking and staying quiet, fight or flight.  

Today the struggle was real. Too real. Fighting with yourself is not recommended. So I numb my mind with a long bike ride, a movie and spitz by the handfuls. But when the ride is done, the movie is over and only the shells remain of the spitz, the chaos begins again. 

Thursday musings. And by the way, I suck at meditating.

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