the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.


Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree


And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)

Resolution #2

While sitting around the table after dinner, on boxing day, so began the discussion of New Year's Resolutions. I must admit that I started it because I was searching. I have all the regular ones, like lose some weight, eat healthier, exercise more, be kinder, less computer more people, etc, etc. I wanted something more profound. Not so self centered. Focusing on self is good, but there has to be balance. I have a friend (really I do) who says she's going to make 52 meals this year and deliver them to those in need. Whether they are in financial need, emotional need, spiritual need....whatever. She is going to make a meal a week and spread the love. I know she'll do it too, because that is just the person she is. This touched me greatly. I, too, want to do something like this. I want to help. I want make a difference. I want to spread the love. Share what I can. I know this is something we all crave. I don't know how to do this.

We have a Jesus stocking that we use at Christmas time. I tell the kids that every time they do something nice for someone, to write it down and put it in the Jesus stocking.What else would Jesus want for his birthday, but kids spreading good deeds? There were little pieces of paper in the sock this year.Good deeds done and hidden in a sock for Jesus. I'm taking my cue from the sock. I can't think of a single thing to do for the entire year; but I can think of many.

Of course on a daily basis I always try to be kind to others. Hold doors where I can, smile to those I feel need it that day, offer kind words, help carry bags, etc.....But for 2012, I'm going to try and make a point of going out of my way to do something for someone else, every week. At least once a week I'm going to offer help where I perceive a need. Sounds easy enough. I know this to not be true.

I live in a small town and there are no soup kitchens to volunteer at or homeless people sleeping in the streets. Although this is not out of my reach (and will be considered), finding ideas to do locally might be limited. Also, some people are proud and don't want help. I need to be careful with that.There's no saying that some kindnesses can't be repeated. Indeed, some WILL be repeated.

I'm going to get my children involved. They are at that critical age and I'm going to seize the moment. That's another resolution of mine ~ to set a better example for my children. It'll kind of be like "random act of kindness day", but for the whole year. I think we can accomplish great things together. If you have any ideas that you would like to share, for spreading love and kindness, please leave them with your comments. And feel free to join in. I'm not the first to do this and won't be the last. Let's make 2012 the best year EVER!

I had  let it be known this past month, that my favorite song for the season was, "An Instrument of Peace" by the Canadian Tenors. I heard it on another friends' blog, and loved it immediately. I have since bought the whole album. When we went to church on Christmas Eve, the entire homily delivered by a visiting priest, was about being an Instrument of Peace. I figured that was some sort of sign. It seems only fitting that this be the song for this particular post. ~ Enjoy!

my friend Heather

I have a friend....(here we go again). Her name is Heather. She has a special ability to channel different spirits. She can decipher what they are trying to convey. This is a talent she believes we all possess. Some choose to ignore, some don't believe, some work on their abilities to make them stronger. I believe this too. If you don't, that ok. It's not a requirement.

I went to see her yesterday. This was the second time we met. I was so looking forward to seeing her again. I was giddy with excitement. She is bubbly and fun and honest. She holds nothing back and I like that. As we sat down for our little discussion, I felt a great sense of security. It felt comfortable ~ for lack of a better word.

A lot was said. I won't divulge all of it here but I did appreciate the underlying feeling of "free will". My choices are my own and my feelings are there for a reason. They are truly what I should be listening to. That was great to hear from a second party. I know it, but I doubt.

Overall it was a wonderful day. I got a new book, spent time with my children, spent time with one of my best friends and her children.(whom I love) I didn't have to cook all day.It was a good day.

Today starts the processing. Listening to my heart. Thinking about the information presented. Thinking about decisions, life etc. My past-time lately it seems! lol And so on it goes! The sun is shining. The sky is clear. I feel well rested. I'm taking all of this as a wonderful signs. Everything is going to be alright!

 I didn't post this right away. It's now Monday. I've been reading this book since Saturday night and it's absolutely amazing. I HIGHLY recommend it for all!!!! It's changing my life. Just sayin'!

For my children

I know everyone has high hopes for their children. You always want the best for them. You want them to be everything they can be and more.I have struggled for quite a few years with myself as to what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I feel like there is more that I should be doing and I can never quite put my finger on it. Lately the focus has been...."I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now ~ raising my children!" I see talents and wonderful traits in my children that can prove to be something really great. Benjamin is smart beyond his years. He always has been. He has been asking me questions for years about things that don't even enter my mind. His brain is always working and never shuts down.

Adam has an artist's mind. He is gifted with his music and you can tell he FEELS it. He is fascinated with technology and electronics. Even at such a young age he shows a tremendous amount of talent and knowledge in this area. You can tell that this is already his passion.

Olivia is an amazing little girl who is strong minded, adventurous, athletic, compassionate, witty, sensitive and smart. Really I know it sounds like I'm just pumping her up but she really is all these things. Her teachers will testify to that. She has an ability to BE with everyone of all ages and personalities. She doesn't judge and is always up for a new challenge. She really will try anything. She is a great communicator and I know this will serve her well in all her relationships. Not to mention that she is beautiful! :)

So....I can't stop thinking about what I need (should) do for them. I want to show them the world. I want to expose them to MORE of the world. I want to show them possibilities. I want to help them see what the world has to offer. Living in a small town has given them a great start to life but I feel there is more out there that I can show them. this has been on my mind as of late and I think I have found an option of how to obtain this. One of my biggest regrets about my childhood was that I never felt encouraged or pushed. I know I could have done some wonderful things. It's only now that I'm starting to realize that,THESE children ARE my "wonderful thing" I'm supposed to be doing. It's exciting! That's about all I can say about this for now. Plans are being talked about constantly and I'm so blessed to have a husband who supports me and feels the same way. We'll keep you posted..........................

changing a lifestyle

We spend a lot of time using electronics in this house. We all have fb accounts except my youngest child. We have an Xbox 360 Kinect, wii, iTouches, iPhones, DS and of course televisions.I realize that too much time in front of a screen is not good for you but......When you live in Alberta in the winter months; there isn't a lot to do.When it's warm outside, of course it's easy to hop on your bike and go for a ride. Going for a walk in the summer is a no brainer.When it is -30 something with the windchill, your options are limited. I think computers are an essential part of our kids upbringing. It  never used to be so important but ....you really need to have some computer "know how" to do ANY job these days. When our children get into the work force I foresee that computers will be even MORE prevalent!My children are very computer savvy and have passed me in many ways. I AM grateful for that! Their information acquired now will serve them well in the future. We just can't get away from that! It's a fact people!That being said.....It's time to insert some other activities in their lives. I know that there are even some adults whose interests lie wholly in computers and technology but we all know that a well rounded person is the happiest.

While I was at rehearsal last night and my husband was at a meeting; our times overlapped and the kids were left home alone for about an hour. They were to practice their piano lessons. That was the only thing they had to do. When I got home, I found the two boys on the computers and Olivia in front of the t.v. The following events were not pleasant. Dad came home shorty after and words were had. To make a long story shortER.....Benjamin got up this morning and told me that he was done with the computer until February. As of today after school he is going to practice his piano and draw. I was very impressed. It even motivated me. I think I need a little intervention when it comes to the computer. Between facebooking, blogging and playing 'cityville'.....I spend a lot of time on the computer. So I have decided to give myself TIMES of the day to do these things.One rule I have implemented  is, that I will NOT be on the computer while the kids are at home and awake!That's a good start. We'll see how it goes. I'm not knocking the computer or fb or blogging! These are all important things in my life. It's a way for me to socialize and stay connected, and to also vent and have a creative outlet. Please don't misread this post as bashing this technology in any way. This is part of our lives people! the 21st century stops for no one!!!! BUT....everything in moderation. I feel this should be applied in EVERY part of our lives. Technology in this house has NOT been in moderation for quite a while! This needs to change! We'll work on that for a while and see what else comes up.

shit rolls down hill

So if you have more than one child, and one of them is being bullied, it doesn't end with the one child. It's been a rough couple of days for this family with a lot of crying and arguing! Because Adam is being teased and taunted and ridiculed at school,(they really know how to get him going), Benjamin has been feeling it too. The kids feel the need to come and tell him what Adam is doing,or what he said. Adam is in in 5/6 split so he shares his classroom with Benjamin's classmates. This is starting to become a huge problem for Benjamin. He is embarrassed by Adam's behavior and feels that if he defends him, he'll lose his friends too. He doesn't want to "become" what Adam is ,by having no friends. While at first glance this seems rude and childish of Benjamin; I can truly understand where he's coming from. This is a time where he (Ben) is also trying to find out where he fits in and who he is. He doesn't want to be defined by his brother. Of course we preach "he is your brother and always will be", "when you don't see your friends anymore, your brother will still be there", " if you can't count on your family,then who can you count on?"While all these things may be true, they are still hard for a boy of 11 to grasp and put into practice. We are all aware that Adam has an artistic mind that can't be tamed. He has different and strange ideas. The problem then, is that he doesn't blend in. He sticks out and is fair game for whomever wants to point it out. There are unfortunately a lot of takers at this school. Benjamin is truly frustrated and feels HE is being punished for something he has no control over. It doesn't end here.....
Olivia came downstairs crying about an hour ago. She feels "stressed out" about Adam. She doesn't know how she can help him. She wants to do more. She says that she is so sad that Adam's feelings are hurt on a regular basis but doesn't know how to fix it.That makes 5 of us. I wish I could tell her the answer. I wish I knew what to do. We WILL get through this, but being IN it is taking its toll. The aggressor in me wants to go to the school and yell at them all. I know that's not the answer but I know it would feel good at the time. I am NOT a fan of homeschooling at all, but....the thought has briefly crossed my mind. These are all things that my kids are going to have to deal with, even as adults. They need to learn how to cope with those bullies that never go away. I'm finding it hard though, to find the words each day to continue encouraging all of them.We are taking it day by day but seriously......something is gonna blow real soon. I just hope it's not my head! LOL

Crying in front of my kids

The culprit

Canister removed and tree in its place

I hit my head today! HARD. I was in the furnace room clearing a spot for the Christmas tree. I was bent over and then when I went to stand up....the canister for the central vac, stopped me from doing so. I bent back over in pain and grabbed my head. I started to whimper and Benjamin (my oldest) came running. The other two,who were also in the basement, followed. Benjamin hugged me and said "are you alright,mom?" I started to cry. I was NOT alright.Adam just stood and stared, letting Benjamin comfort me. Olivia started to laugh and Adam said "Olivia!!" in disgust. I knew she was laughing because she was nervous. I had never cried in front of my children before today because I was physically hurt. I cried before because I was sad, or really mad but never physically in pain. It was kind of interesting to see how everyone reacted. I told Olivia and Adam to clean up their game they were playing and fled upstairs to find Brad. I was still in a lot of pain and I knew more tears were coming. He was in the shower. I lay on the bed crying and trying really hard not to. I'm not apposed to crying, it's just that the more I cried ~ the more it hurt. The top of my head felt like it had been busted open. Brad came out and said "What happened?" (very cautiously I might add). I told him I had hit my head HARD and it really really hurt. He rushed to my side to see if I was bleeding and to see if he could do anything for me. He was a little relieved that I had only banged my head and had not received any bad news. My dad just got out of the hospital on Wednesday and the first thing that came to Brad's mind was that there was trouble with my dad. So after he found out the details he headed downstairs to the scene of the crime.The bottom of the canister has been removed (we don't use it anyway...Love my Dyson) and the tree has been placed in the furnace room. Brad made supper while I lay patiently for the tylenol to kick in. I fell asleep. So after supper I started thinking about all of this. I found it very interesting how the situation made everyone feel. I: tried to hid the fullness of the pain I was in from my children and ran to my husband (my best friend) for help. Benjamin: was the comforter. The one who says "there,there, it's going to be alright" He continued to ask me how I was feeling through the rest of the night. Adam: was the quiet observer,taking in the gravity of the situation. He came to me later as I was resting to hug me. Olivia: was very uncomfortable with the whole situation and laughed nervously. She was actually quite happy that I gave her a task to do to keep her mind off of what was really happening. She later came and asked if there was anything she could "do " for me. And of course Brad: was the fixer. He's the man so he has to FIX things. The canister was removed, supper was made, meds were administered.Had it been pain of the heart he would have been at a loss as to how to fix it ....so he was happy it was just my head! lol They all have their ways of coping. Quite an interesting little stress test. But I assure you.....I did not do this on purpose. My head STILL hurts!