ALONE

I have a friend( here we go again), who spent Christmas Eve alone. She made a plate of her favorite snacks, snuggled in with a blanket and a good movie, and a great glass of red. She tweeted a few friends, texted a bit and had a great evening on her own. I was a little envious of her alone time. I also had another friend comment that she was envious, as well. I know some that would have been horrified at the thought. Some would think this the worst night EVER! How sad! Poor thing!

It all has to do with frame of mind I suppose. You can choose how you feel about your alone time. I know so many moms who crave it. Busy lives demand a lot of time and there are so few hours in the day. When it's our choice, we love it. Run a bath, have a glass of wine, talk with an old friend on the phone, write a letter, read a book, start or finish a project, go for a walk, ride your bike far and wide, or just sit and stare at the ocean.

Why is it so hard for us to not appreciate our alone time when it is thrust upon us? Why can we not focus on anything else except the fact that you didn't ask for this?  Somehow this now becomes the worst thing ever. We are so dependent on everyone else to fill our time that we sometimes forget to work on ourselves. Being a whole person first, makes for better alone time. Something I plan on working on in the new year. I've always loved my alone time, but what if it was thrust upon me? I have so many friends who are in this position right now and all who are reacting differently. Some people have more time before they "find someone", to work on this, I guess. I'm not saying that some circumstances would not cause you to be overcome with grief, where the "aloneness" would seem more of a punishment than a luxury. I want to know that I'm strong enough to have the ability to focus on how much I have always enjoyed being by myself. How many times I craved it and never got it, how many times I demanded it and reveled in it.

 That's not to say that I don't appreciate the time I spend with my family and friends. I do love that, too.  But there needs to be a balance. It may sound selfish but.........I plan on taking more time for myself in the New Year to be "alone"! Independent and self sufficient are not words that I readily use to describe myself, but I hope by the end of the year, they are the first two.

I already have a road trip planned for April. A week alone, just me and the car. Driving when I want, eating when I want, sleeping when I want. Stopping and staying wherever  the wind blows me. Making my own decisions on a whim. I'm terrified and super excited all at the same time. Can you guess where the wind will blow me? The ocean is calling my name!

God forbid that I should ever be in a situation where I am single again, but I want to work on the part of me that I know is the weakest. It's also a good example for my kids. At least that's what I tell myself when I feel guilty for taking time for me. *wink* I KNOW it is.

I hope you all think a little about yourself this year and take some time to develop you, as a whole person. It's important and it benefits everyone around you. Not the ENTIRE year, mind you. I also have another New Year's resolution which I will share in the next post!

Getting my groove back

Been in a funk. Ain't gonna lie. Since the summer ended I felt like so many things were over and the doom was settling in. I LOVE summer!(check this out summertime.) The only thing on my mind was "getting out of Dodge!" I could focus on nothing else. It's still on  my mind. A LOT! But something has changed. I feel a sense of calm. I feel like things are working out the way they are supposed to. I have faith in the process again. The fog has lifted and I can see what's in front of me. I didn't get to this spot on my own, and to those who helped me get here,(you know who you are), I am grateful.

I spent the day with my BFF yesterday and it was just like old times. We laughed a lot and talked and talked. It was just what I needed. As she said in her card to me, "thank goodness for social media"! It keeps us closer on a daily basis, since she moved away. It's wonderful to still have her in my life. She also knows me well and gives great gifts.......(Thank you!)

It also didn't hurt that I happened to find a new dress for the staff Christmas party this weekend and a sweet pair of (cheap) boots! Made my MONTH!

Oh yes I DID!

I also got in a visit with my good friend Arlee. Coffee in the afternoon and a chance to hug a few of her kids (she has 6) was long overdue! She's wonderfully talented, and has her own blog (Small potatoes) where she writes about running a day home, the food she prepares(AWESOME), and the pictures she takes. Did I mention she's a photographer too??? YA! she does it all. So after finding some peppermint "stir sticks" for cocoa, I felt the need to return for a quick visit to give them to her; before heading home.

All the way home I played my music LOUD! Not sappy love songs, not Christmas songs; but heart thumping get me moving fast songs! It got the adrenaline flowing and somewhere along the way, my mood went from "whoa is me" to "WOW is me"! I feel revitalized today and have gotten my groove back just in time for Christmas!!! WOOT! Couldn't have asked for a better Christmas gift. I'm sure my family will agree! ;P

So enough on the computer for a while. i have things to do, places to go and people to see! Life is short people! Don't wait for things to happen. MAKE them happen! Ciao for now!

The lists I love

A few friends are blogging a list of things set out at the beginning of the month. (Alicia and Sheila )The most recent one was: "8 things you didn't know about me!" I love these posts. What  better way to learn new and interesting things about someone.This time will be a little harder for me, as I have already shared a few lists in the past. I'm going to have to check and make sure I'm not repeating myself. I have had a good response with these in the past, so I thought I would do one again. It seems to spur others on, to sharing their lists, as well. I look forward to them!!!

Some things you may not know about me:

1. I still love my tattoos and find they are becoming more meaningful to me every day.

2. I secretly wish Hugh Grant would sweep me off my feet with a big wet kiss.

3. Christmas is an extremely emotional time of year for me. I will cry at every commercial, song, and expression of love.

4. I have a growing desire for all things white.

5. Now that I have gotten into bike riding, I find myself remembering my adoration for my bike as a child. I used to wash it and then take pictures.A gorgeous blue with a great "banana seat"!

6. I have become very dependent on my Tassimo cappuccinos.

7. I have never felt my "intuition" more strongly in my life, than I have this past year.

8. Physical "slapstick" type humor is becoming funnier and funnier to me, the older I get. Not sure why.

 Well there's my eight. Harder to do than I initially thought. LOL I think I prefer when someone else asks the questions. Feel free to share your lists in my comments! :)
If you are reading this on your computer, I encourage you to turn up the volume. These are a few of my favorite Christmas carols.

a pep talk for me

I am what I am. Not what you think I am. Not what you want me to be. I am me. ~ M. Ping

I read this quote today. I have a lot of quotes that come across my screens during the day. The sites I subscribe to, the ones my friends do, keep us rolling in the "words of wisdom"!. Some days I don't want to see any of them. Some days I drink them in like each one is only for me. Today was a day that I felt like "unsubscribing" to all of it.Turning it all off. My day was filled with words. Words of good intent but not necessarily full of wisdom.

I've been finding that most people feel like they have a good grasp of what the world is all about. Their view. The path they're on is clear, their belief system is in place and ....~ heaven forbid that should change. Change for some is a dirty word.  A four letter word (figuratively of course). As human beings I wonder how we all got so conceited. Our beliefs seem to be set in stone. We seem to have all the answers. Everyone is right and the others can't possibly know what they are talking about!!! So sure of ourselves are we! How is it that some feel that have all the answers because "this is the way it's always been!" " This is what we know from the past!" "It says here.....!" Why are we all so quick to believe everything that is taught to us? Why can't we draw our own conclusions? If it doesn't feel right to you, then it probably isn't. If it doesn't sit right in your heart, then it's not YOUR truth. But don't question that!!!! Your mind, your elders, your peers, will all tell you that you are the one that's wrong. Feeling with your heart, digging deep into your soul, you know what your truth is. You're afraid. Of course you are. How can I possibly deviate from the norm? How can I follow my own true self? I refer back to the quote at the top of the page. You CAN because it's what you were meant to do.You were meant to be YOU! We're not here to suffer. We're here to be happy. Not at the expense of others. Don't let the masses keep you down. Don't let anyone tell you your own truth. Only you can know what that is.  I say this to myself just as much to anyone else. It's not something we've grown up with. It's NOT ~  "do whatever feels right!" and then you can get away with whatever you want. That's not what I'm saying here. But for goodness sake people....you have to feel something to grow, to evolve! We are not meant to exist, suffer, make do, tolerate, our lives. We were meant to LIVE them. So few of us really do.

I could go on but I think I'm done giving myself a pep talk. Any further and I'll be getting hate mail for sure. I'm not putting down anyone else's beliefs. I just wish we were all a little more aware of what we were doing and why we are doing it. Is it really what you want to be doing?? Or is it what you think you should be doing? Unfortunately some don't know the difference. LOVE! Let love be your guide. Whether to embrace, or let go...............do it with love!

I got this today posted to my fb wall from a dear friend. I love it and thought I would share it with you! Thanks for reading my thoughts. It feels good to get them out.......~ :)

Let go of what holds you back. Let go of your fears. Let go of your inhibitions. Let go of your past. Let go of the things that you can’t control. Let go of what hurts. Let go of your insecurities. Let go of the people who are walking away. Let go of the safety cord. Let go of what ifs. Let go of guilt. Let go of grudges. Let go of your comfort zone. Let go of the sadness. Let go of painful memories. Let go of regret. Let go of what can’t be. Let go of yourself. And Let God do the rest.- Unknown

Contain the energy

I have a friend. I wonder how many posts I could start like that? Anyway.....her and I get together once a month (sometimes more) and discuss various topics and things that are going on in our lives. We talk about new books we've read and how we have grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Over time we've realized that we are quite a bit alike. Now the talks are just as good but now, more to the point! There is a lot less explaining to do and we've been on the same page for a while.She's been finishing my sentences lately.(it's a good thing) I went to see her today with the attitude that I was going to enjoy the day for what it was. I needed to get my head out of the clouds and start appreciating what I had right in front of me. My whole "I must move to the water.....and SOON!" was, (is) consuming me. I wasn't getting rid of the dream but I needed to have some balance. Well of course my friend was already way over that. She also has a goal; a dream, a future she hopes to accomplish sooner than later. She has started a book with pictures in it; thoughts, ideas, plans, etc. She says this is where she puts the energy when she's thinking about all that. When she's done with it, the energy stays there. She then tries to balance the rest of her life around that. She was in the same position I was. It was hard to concentrate on anything other than where she wanted to be ~ instead of where she was. This is why I love her. She either has been through it, or knows how to get me through it. So I'm going to give that a try. I have a beautiful book to write in that my husband gave me for our anniversary . I can't think of a better place to start.

 I'm also going to put in a little plug in for pinterest This is a great place for the visual. There are so many beautiful pictures of oceans and beaches, beautiful little cottages, bike riding people, flowers and gardens, coffee shops, long walking paths, and patios galore!!! This overwhelms me sometimes, and I must say that a visit is in store for me, at least once a week.

So this is where my energy for my desires will be focused for the next little while. Let's see how long it lasts before it starts to creep back into my everyday life.......After all.....~ If it's too far on the back burner....it'll never get done! And that will never do!

a welcome change

Guess what? This is not going to be a depressing "whoa is me" post. I'm feeling great today. I'm not sure if it was the visit with my good friends yesterday that lifted my spirits?  Being able to vent and talk about things that I can't share with anyone else? Enjoying a day without kids? It was probably all of the above.

 LOVE these girls!!!!

 It could have been the shopping too! I bought my first pair of skinny jeans!!! yup! at 41! Eat that Suvi! LMAO!

 I also received some great messages this morning via twitter from a beautiful friend. That seemed to lift my heart even more. The sun is shining. I have plans to ride my Vinni (my scooter) with a friend this afternoon. I have good friends coming over tonight for drinks. Seriously!!!! It's gonna be such a good day! I haven't felt like this in a long time. I feel like things are falling into place. Things are as they should be. Everything will be alright!

I hope you are feeling the love today and have a great one as well!!!!

Turn your speaker UP!!!! Great song!!!!!!!

Let Go, Let God

I have a friend.A GOOD friend! He paints his thumbnail all the time to remind himself, to not judge other people. (I know some of you know who I'm talking about).  I've really come to embrace that. I think that's why I want my tattoo. I want to remind myself on a daily basis that I'm not in control of it all and to just "let go"!( and I do need reminding) I have judged some people in the past. Sometimes for bad and sometimes for good. Sometimes I'm right and sometimes I'm wrong. Either way, I'm limiting myself. Because I have opened up and thrown away my misconceptions, I have made more friends. Unlikely friends whom I have really become close to. Friends who make my day full and happy. I'm enjoying them in a way I never thought they, or I, were capable of. It's important to change. It's important to grow. I feel I have, and I'm blessed with the people in my life for it. Thinking back to younger days......I had thoughts of who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be perceived. Those were thoughts of a naive girl who hadn't experienced life enough, to know what she wanted. I still don't know. But I'm learning and accepting and open. That's what counts right now! This journey we're all on is amazing to me. Just when you think you have it all figured out ~ you don't! It keeps me on my toes.What are some preconceived notions that you can get rid of today????Think about it! There's a friend waiting for you to do just that!

The colour changes frequently but the message stays the same.

What's your perception?

We think people change. Quite often they don't.There are a few who are aware and make a conscious decision to change ....and DO! Those people are few and far between.One thing that does change frequently over time, is our perception . There's a poem of sorts that goes around about how we have friends in different phases of our life to fulfill certain things. Different people are there to teach you things, help you through something,bring you out of your shell,show you how not to live, how to love, how to recover, how to grow, how to find. AS we grow older, and hopefully become wiser, our perception of these friends changes. NOT the friends. I've heard before that "people will show you who they are, and when they do, believe them!" I still believe this to be a true statement BUT; (and this is a big but); if you are not ready, or able to see them; you will only see what you want (need) to see at the time.This can be tricky as we are all in different places at different times.

This is a really hard concept for me to ad hear to. I KNOW this to be true but still I struggle. I get confused as to what is MY journey and what is YOUR journey. It's hard to step back and  let others make mistakes. It's hard to yell when you see them headed down a wrong path. I know I was not a good listener when it came to what I wanted to do.No one could tell me different when my mind was made up. I'm still not very good at being told what to do.(which I have mentioned in the past)I've gotten better at listening to my REAL inner self, though. To the universe. To God. This helps now but I'm pretty sure I was completely unaware of it 10 years ago!
 I see people coming into my life and I see people going. I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do now? Do I let them go? Has my perception of them changed? A little. Some just don't seem to be what I need right now. Some seem to have changed . Or rather my perception of them has changed. Either way.....something I need to meditate about! Where do they belong in my life? If at all?

Some people are forever friends. Not always in huge capacities every step of the way but, forever, nonetheless. Some are just passing through. do you know the difference? Or do you even care?

I

missed a day

So I didn't blog yesterday at all. I was busy all day (really I was) and then had company for supper.By the time the night was over, I was tired and ready for bed. So I am blogging this morning! Well in a couple of minutes it will be the afternoon. Whatever.........

My friends are moving away. They have been here in this community for quite a while. I have known them for a few years but haven't really connected with them on a more personal friendship level until recently. The relationship has developed into something that has me wondering "why now?" We've just started to get to know each other better (all 4 of us) and it all seems a little rushed. Why now? why not even last year? I know there's a reason for everything, a time for everything, but jeez! I am really going to miss these two. They have added so much to my life recently. I guess that's what they were supposed to do. I guess now is the time for them to move on. Still......it does make me a little sad. They will be missed! We'll still have fb and twitter but.....it just won't be the same. These two have been married for 21 years. They have really lived! I enjoy their thoughts on life, their excitement for life, their attitude, their kindness, their crazy sense of humor, but most of all ,their unwavering faith. They have made a difference in MY life (a good one) and I smile because I knew them! :)

looking for love

from Express-0

from Hey, Lady Grey

I wasn't looking for love, or happy things on purpose but....they were flooding my way today and I was 'loving ' it! (pardon the pun) There have been pictures and videos and kind words from friends, encouraging words, smiles. There were even a few tears but I enjoyed them because I was there to be a friend.That made me feel good. I have had such a fabulous day.I hope it's a trend. Here are a couple of fun images I saw today! enjoy!

"Friends" are waiting

For Christmas ,from my darling husband, I received all the seasons of Friends on DVD. Right then and there i decided that I would play them on my computer as I worked out on our elliptical machine. I have been thinking of this EVERY DAY since December 26th!!!!! EVERY DAY people! I have yet to do it. I'm wondering if today is the day? I have had umpteen excuses and now.....I'm feeling ok, I don't have a whole lot on my agenda for the day....hmmmm....could this be the day? I'm not sure why I just can't kick myself in the ass and get going already. I have been reading so many books and watching so many programs on how to motivate yourself to lose weight and yet...~ nothing seems to be sticking. I think sometimes that I am supposed to be like this.I know it sounds crazy but, somehow I feel like I'm more approachable if I'm just a little chubby. Typing it even sounds ridiculous but yet the thought still lingers. It is important for me to BE approachable. I don't want anyone to ever think they are beneath me or less than me. I always want to be open to anyone approaching me. I KNOW in my head that this is still possible without my muffin top and Buddha belly but geeeeez............. It's just so hard. Well ~  I will let you know later this afternoon if today was the day. Send me good exercise vibes! 

shit rolls down hill

So if you have more than one child, and one of them is being bullied, it doesn't end with the one child. It's been a rough couple of days for this family with a lot of crying and arguing! Because Adam is being teased and taunted and ridiculed at school,(they really know how to get him going), Benjamin has been feeling it too. The kids feel the need to come and tell him what Adam is doing,or what he said. Adam is in in 5/6 split so he shares his classroom with Benjamin's classmates. This is starting to become a huge problem for Benjamin. He is embarrassed by Adam's behavior and feels that if he defends him, he'll lose his friends too. He doesn't want to "become" what Adam is ,by having no friends. While at first glance this seems rude and childish of Benjamin; I can truly understand where he's coming from. This is a time where he (Ben) is also trying to find out where he fits in and who he is. He doesn't want to be defined by his brother. Of course we preach "he is your brother and always will be", "when you don't see your friends anymore, your brother will still be there", " if you can't count on your family,then who can you count on?"While all these things may be true, they are still hard for a boy of 11 to grasp and put into practice. We are all aware that Adam has an artistic mind that can't be tamed. He has different and strange ideas. The problem then, is that he doesn't blend in. He sticks out and is fair game for whomever wants to point it out. There are unfortunately a lot of takers at this school. Benjamin is truly frustrated and feels HE is being punished for something he has no control over. It doesn't end here.....
Olivia came downstairs crying about an hour ago. She feels "stressed out" about Adam. She doesn't know how she can help him. She wants to do more. She says that she is so sad that Adam's feelings are hurt on a regular basis but doesn't know how to fix it.That makes 5 of us. I wish I could tell her the answer. I wish I knew what to do. We WILL get through this, but being IN it is taking its toll. The aggressor in me wants to go to the school and yell at them all. I know that's not the answer but I know it would feel good at the time. I am NOT a fan of homeschooling at all, but....the thought has briefly crossed my mind. These are all things that my kids are going to have to deal with, even as adults. They need to learn how to cope with those bullies that never go away. I'm finding it hard though, to find the words each day to continue encouraging all of them.We are taking it day by day but seriously......something is gonna blow real soon. I just hope it's not my head! LOL

gathering my thoughts

I've been having a lot of epiphanies lately. My brain just seems to be working over time. Processing processing. I know what I really needed to do today was go for a walk because that always helps me think. Puts things in perspective. But I didn't. All this thinking just made me exhausted and so...I slept. Twice! Two separate naps. I felt guilty for a while but then I thought I really must have needed it because it took all of 3 seconds for me to fall asleep when I DID lay down. Anyway.........

I would have to say that this whole thought process started a while ago with my post about not fitting in. It got me to thinking about "friends" and what that really means to me. Past AND present! what KINDS of friends we all have.What LEVEL of friendship is reached with each person. Why we are attracted to certain friends and can't seem to shake others. Why do we feel secure enough with some of our friends to 'fight' or 'argue' knowing full well that it will NOT break th friendship.When you don't like someone; is it because they possess a quality that you recognize in yourself? When someone doesn't like you; do you take it to heart? Does it depend on who that someone is? As you can see......I was overloaded. I was quite surprised to hear some feedback about my post on "not fitting in". It was shocking to me how many felt the same way.

I went to Vancouver this weekend and was faced with 3 different levels; or 3 different KINDS of friends. This got me thinking even more. Then out of no where; we were crossing a bridge and big bold letters I saw a sign. it said "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT"!  Ok ok! I know it sounds hokey. I thought it was too. But the universe works in mysterious ways. If you are open to it, the answers will come. Since that moment I feel the answers have been coming in floods!

With age comes wisdom. Not that older people are smarter but you have had a lot of time to process things and deal with things. (only if you are open to it). I was molested as a child more than once. I won't go into details but I have figured out that those events; (along with many others) have changed the way I relate to people.Therefore how I make friends, who I make friends with, how I treat those friends and how I value those friendships, WERE all based on how I felt about myself. Now having said that..... I made a lot of bad decisions in the friend department. I wanted things from people. I wanted them to provide something that was missing at the time. Sadly enough, I never knew that that something was just TRUE friendship. Someone to be there through thick and thin no matter what. That's a lot to ask of a 6 year old but I demanded it. lol Truly! Each friend I met as a NEW person was the one I wanted to be my BEST FRIEND FOREVER! I even asked a girl in Grade 9 (the first day we met) if we could be best friends. Hello! Loser! We did become best friends but.....only because I asked her and we were 13 so what else are you going to do? We are NOT friends today. Obviously just asking is not a good basis for a lasting relationship! hahahahaha

Having 3 "kinds" of friends with me at the same time ~ knowing them for different lengths of time ~ in different ways really made me take a look at ME! I evaluated my friendships on PAST friendships. I evaluated on past ideas I had of myself. I had to break that cycle. I find myself in a town that I love (admittedly) and feeling very alone. It's not the town's fault. It's mine.


 I was popular in school. I've been demanding that ever since! Life doesn't work that way.I wanted to be so important in EVERYONE'S life that I didn't realize what's really important is to be really important to a few! I became friends with a few people , but  ditched them because it was obvious they already had a CROWD that they hung with.There's no room for me! What kind of crazy thinking is that?  I've been hurt by friends because I elevated the expectations without telling them. I've woken up people. I'm changing my ways. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes. I am open to them all. I don't need to be everyone's BEST friend. I don't need them to be mine. I have close friends that may not be close in proximity but they are there none~the~less.


The most wonderful thing about this whole process and these realizations, is that so many doors are now opening. I feel free! I feel like I can just BE! I don't have to be ON all the time. If you don't like me; I don't care! I know who I am and I LIKE who I am. I feel empowered to try new things. I feel like I have a voice that I have been hiding for fear of judgement .(literally and figuratively) lol I can't relate to you what a great feeling this is. If only it hadn't taken me so long. This is the kind of empowerment I wish on every woman! 


I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get my point across without using more examples and then have some people think that I was referring to them. I guess all that thinking helped with the delivery. Sorry for the lack of controversy! lol


My life is turning around and I feel alive. I'm truly happy!