the right stuff at the right time

I'm reading. I've read the Hunger Games. The movie is out soon. My son has read all three books. I want to see the movie with him and so I read the book. I loved it. Another movie, coming out soon, is "Blue Like Jazz." The movie comes out April 13th, I believe. Recommended by a good friend, I sought it out. It was hard to find. My husband eventually found it for me. I can't say it was easy to start out. But I'm loving it so far. So many times I find myself talking to the author in the margins. I suppose that's a good thing. One paragraph in particular caught my attention.

     "Because I can't be here anymore.I don't feel whole here. I feel, well, partly whole. Incomplete. Tired. It has nothing to do with this (church); it's all me. Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be and not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be........"

I believe I have said something to that effect before. Almost word for word. I think perhaps if we all look deep, we've all felt that way at some point or another.

My vacation was just that. a vacation from all the thoughts, obligations, everything! Coming home, I tried to bask in the memories. The glow of how luxurious the time away was. The snow did not help. It slammed me right back to reality. As did the bickering of my children.

I continue to dream, unaware of where it will take me and what will come of it. If I don't have my dreams, what do I have?

the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.


Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree


And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)

Contain the energy

I have a friend. I wonder how many posts I could start like that? Anyway.....her and I get together once a month (sometimes more) and discuss various topics and things that are going on in our lives. We talk about new books we've read and how we have grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Over time we've realized that we are quite a bit alike. Now the talks are just as good but now, more to the point! There is a lot less explaining to do and we've been on the same page for a while.She's been finishing my sentences lately.(it's a good thing) I went to see her today with the attitude that I was going to enjoy the day for what it was. I needed to get my head out of the clouds and start appreciating what I had right in front of me. My whole "I must move to the water.....and SOON!" was, (is) consuming me. I wasn't getting rid of the dream but I needed to have some balance. Well of course my friend was already way over that. She also has a goal; a dream, a future she hopes to accomplish sooner than later. She has started a book with pictures in it; thoughts, ideas, plans, etc. She says this is where she puts the energy when she's thinking about all that. When she's done with it, the energy stays there. She then tries to balance the rest of her life around that. She was in the same position I was. It was hard to concentrate on anything other than where she wanted to be ~ instead of where she was. This is why I love her. She either has been through it, or knows how to get me through it. So I'm going to give that a try. I have a beautiful book to write in that my husband gave me for our anniversary . I can't think of a better place to start.

 I'm also going to put in a little plug in for pinterest This is a great place for the visual. There are so many beautiful pictures of oceans and beaches, beautiful little cottages, bike riding people, flowers and gardens, coffee shops, long walking paths, and patios galore!!! This overwhelms me sometimes, and I must say that a visit is in store for me, at least once a week.

So this is where my energy for my desires will be focused for the next little while. Let's see how long it lasts before it starts to creep back into my everyday life.......After all.....~ If it's too far on the back burner....it'll never get done! And that will never do!

Daily obsession

I think about the water daily.By water, I mean, large bodies of it. The ocean! I can hear the waves if I close my eyes and listen. I'm going to San Francisco soon and I'm most looking forward to being near the water. I will soak it in as much as I can. I would like to see the ocean every day. One day I may call it my home, but for now I dream.

I find it funny how my house changes in my dream too. I don't have the same colors. I have waaay less stuff. Everything is simple and clean. Uncluttered and open. I do love my house here but; it really is a house for here. When I move to the water it will need to be a different kind of home. I'm not sure why that is. I guess the water dictates it. To me anyway.....

This is what consumes me most days. It's a complete distraction. Hard to concentrate and focus on today. Living in the moment seems to have taken a back seat to my new obsession. It does not want to be ignored. It's like a fantasy that has the possibility of coming true. Who doesn't want to dream of that? And so on it goes...........

What do you dream of? Where would be your ideal place of living? What would your place look like? Or are you already there?