Sunday, January 16, 2011
Too good to be true....Or IS it?
Life is grand. I do not want or need for anything. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and makes me feel secure and loved, 3 beautiful children who make me smile EVERY day. I have a beautiful house and I drive a nice car. I have the ability to go shopping when I want and don't ever have to worry about losing my home or not paying bills. I have many friends of all kinds ~ a loving family and I have great hair. I could stand to lose a few pounds but that's another blog.
This was not always so. I am in so many ways a stereo type. I was raised by a single parent and saw my father only a handful of times growing up(we have a better relationship now). We never had much money and I was a latch key kid all of my school years. I was molested several times by different people and then when I was in grade 10 we moved to a different province, different school. It was hard to make friends and to this day I only really speak to ONE from that school( That's you Dave). I struggled through my early adulthood spending most of my money on cigarettes and booze. I suffered huge heartaches, depression and simply just being lonely.
My knight came and saved me. I fell in love. The relationship we have right now is so beyond any relationship I have ever had in my life. He is my BEST friend. I tell him everything. He makes me laugh, he's great company. He's the best DAD to his kids and he is kind and generous to everyone!We get along amazingly! We share the same sense of humor and still have that "drive" to slap each other on the butt from time to time. ;) He is also the best snuggler EVER!
Soooooo......the other night I had this awful dream that we were getting a divorce. I mean it was already in the works.I was soooooo sad. I just wanted to try again but, alas my husband no longer loved me and didn't even want to try. It was OVER! I cried. I didn't want to lose him, start over, not have him in my life. I woke feeling very heavy hearted . You know the feeling you have when you wake up and it feels like your dream was so real? It was just awful. I got the kids off to school and called my husband right away. I told him about my dream and he laughed. "As if!" "I am NEVER going to leave you and I will always love you!" I KNEW that but I needed to hear it because the dream still FELT very real. I continued to analyze my dream throughout the week. I went for a pedicure(therapy session ;)) and we discussed it even more. I believe I have de-constructed it more times than I care to admit and finally have come to the conclusion that....somewhere in the back of my mind I still feel that I am not worthy of the life I have. That somehow, something bad is going to happen and it will all be gone .I know I have earned this life. I don't take it for granted. I cherish my 'boring' days spent just LIVING with my family. I truly believe I am lucky and blessed. So now comes the hard part of actually convincing myself(even in my sub conscious) that I am worthy of this life I have created.Sounds easy enough. in my waking life I can convince anyone that I am exactly where I should be. It's that nagging,annoying voice, that lives deep down that is going to be hard to tame. But tame her I will!!!! Just sayin'! I should have been a shrink!