the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.


Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree


And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)

a pep talk for me

I am what I am. Not what you think I am. Not what you want me to be. I am me. ~ M. Ping

I read this quote today. I have a lot of quotes that come across my screens during the day. The sites I subscribe to, the ones my friends do, keep us rolling in the "words of wisdom"!. Some days I don't want to see any of them. Some days I drink them in like each one is only for me. Today was a day that I felt like "unsubscribing" to all of it.Turning it all off. My day was filled with words. Words of good intent but not necessarily full of wisdom.

I've been finding that most people feel like they have a good grasp of what the world is all about. Their view. The path they're on is clear, their belief system is in place and ....~ heaven forbid that should change. Change for some is a dirty word.  A four letter word (figuratively of course). As human beings I wonder how we all got so conceited. Our beliefs seem to be set in stone. We seem to have all the answers. Everyone is right and the others can't possibly know what they are talking about!!! So sure of ourselves are we! How is it that some feel that have all the answers because "this is the way it's always been!" " This is what we know from the past!" "It says here.....!" Why are we all so quick to believe everything that is taught to us? Why can't we draw our own conclusions? If it doesn't feel right to you, then it probably isn't. If it doesn't sit right in your heart, then it's not YOUR truth. But don't question that!!!! Your mind, your elders, your peers, will all tell you that you are the one that's wrong. Feeling with your heart, digging deep into your soul, you know what your truth is. You're afraid. Of course you are. How can I possibly deviate from the norm? How can I follow my own true self? I refer back to the quote at the top of the page. You CAN because it's what you were meant to do.You were meant to be YOU! We're not here to suffer. We're here to be happy. Not at the expense of others. Don't let the masses keep you down. Don't let anyone tell you your own truth. Only you can know what that is.  I say this to myself just as much to anyone else. It's not something we've grown up with. It's NOT ~  "do whatever feels right!" and then you can get away with whatever you want. That's not what I'm saying here. But for goodness sake people....you have to feel something to grow, to evolve! We are not meant to exist, suffer, make do, tolerate, our lives. We were meant to LIVE them. So few of us really do.

I could go on but I think I'm done giving myself a pep talk. Any further and I'll be getting hate mail for sure. I'm not putting down anyone else's beliefs. I just wish we were all a little more aware of what we were doing and why we are doing it. Is it really what you want to be doing?? Or is it what you think you should be doing? Unfortunately some don't know the difference. LOVE! Let love be your guide. Whether to embrace, or let go...............do it with love!

I got this today posted to my fb wall from a dear friend. I love it and thought I would share it with you! Thanks for reading my thoughts. It feels good to get them out.......~ :)

Let go of what holds you back. Let go of your fears. Let go of your inhibitions. Let go of your past. Let go of the things that you can’t control. Let go of what hurts. Let go of your insecurities. Let go of the people who are walking away. Let go of the safety cord. Let go of what ifs. Let go of guilt. Let go of grudges. Let go of your comfort zone. Let go of the sadness. Let go of painful memories. Let go of regret. Let go of what can’t be. Let go of yourself. And Let God do the rest.- Unknown