Wednesday, March 7, 2012

the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.

Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree

And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)


  1. Love it!! Have fun. And I completely agree. Little children need more mommy time but as they grow they need to learn to be independent and so does the mother! This is great!

  2. Love your post:) no one warns us....

  3. Yes!! I understand these thoughts deeply. Looking to the changes that are bound to happen ahead and the years of anticipation. I dream of Paris, road trips, owning a coffee shop, hiking to the perfect picnic spot.. Also in the near future, humanitarian projects. We've talked about the 'more' that is needed for our family and see it as a change for my own heart that our family will all greatly benefit from. Looking forward to seeing what is on the way for you in life & hearing all about it. Love you!

  4. Makes sense to me! That old tune by the band AHA, the video for TAKE ON ME...there's a few frames where (he) is trying desperately to break out of the frame...that's how I felt when I lived in a small town!
    I'm out...I'm growing again.
    I'm praying for you and Yours.


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