the changes that come

I've changed. We all have. It's life. It continues to happen, always. Sometimes change is slow, and sometimes quick. Change is constant, though. Don't be fooled.

I grew up in modest conditions, raised by a single mother. We didn't have much. Now I live with my family of 5 and we do not want or need for anything. Blessed

I used to "hang out" in a biker bar, in my early teens and 20's. My latest outing was with a bunch of wonderful women, at the local Arts Academy, drinking wine and eating cheese. Both equally enjoyable.

I have no regrets about my life. I look back and can GO back with ease. I do not shun my old life, nor the people in it. The present and the past have made me who I am today. And I love that.


Today I am not just Erin. I have many sides. I'm still forever changing!!!!!!!

I can be the girly girl. High heels, fashion magazines, flirty skirts, make-up and pedicures. As a kid I was very much a tomboy. I'm also the girl who likes to ride my bike 'till I'm a sweaty mess and have mud stream up my back and in my face.I like hiking in the mountains, sitting on the side of a cliff with nothing more than a bottle of wine, some cheese and some bread.  I like to watch romantic comedies, (sucker for a chick flick), but I like foreign films and documentaries, too! I'm a stay at home mom, but have enjoyed 'clubbing' in New York City with my girlfriends. I enjoy my family vacations, experiencing and showing my children new things. I also look forward to my solitary trips, where I can do as I please. I like to read about spirituality,religion and God. I also like to read about sexuality, mental illness, and deviant behaviors. I can speak French, fairly fluently. (that's slipping because I have nowhere to practice it) I used to be deathly afraid of birds. I now enjoy watching them and even admire them. I find them majestic. (I still don't need to touch them though) I never wanted a tattoo. I have been quoted as saying 'never' many times on this subject. I now have 3 of them, with plans of another. I'm forever changing, sometimes daily! Don't try to figure me out. I'm having a hard enough time, and I'm ME!

Sometimes we change, because we feel, that is what is required of us. Consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes we change because it's just a natural progression. Growing and finding out what makes our hearts sing. Even with THIS change, some people fight against it. Change can be scary. Let's admit it, it can be downright terrifying. But following your heart, listening to your soul, has become my passion lately. I can't deny what I'm feeling. Sometimes I would like to, but it always creeps back. I suppose many will do this their entire lives. Push down the thoughts, the desires, the yearning of what is truly YOU. It's not always compatible with what IS. Sometimes we choose what we feel is right, instead of what is true. There IS a difference.

I want. I want different things. What used to fill my day, and please me to no end, has lost a bit of its charm. My kids were my whole life. They needed me. I changed their diapers, made them each and every meal and snack, put them down for a nap, read to them, played with them. I puttered around the house, rearranging furniture, cleaning, trying new recipes, and I was happy! Truly happy. Now before you all start freaking out, and saying "but your kids still need you!"; I am very well aware of this. This still involves them! And don't get me wrong.....These things still bring me joy.(no more diapers though) but, it's just not enough, anymore.It doesn't "fill me up" the way it used to. Maybe it's partly because of my age, maybe it's due to the independence of my children. Maybe it just, is what it is? Whatever the reason, I want more, and I want different. I need it.

I was happy to be at home with my kids all day. Now I want a job. I envision a book store for some reason. I want to ride my bike by the ocean. I want to collect enough sea glass to fill jars and jars that will line my window sill. I want to be a big sister.(I do have 2 younger brothers, but that's not what I mean!) I want to help with large fundraising events. I want to meet someone new, every day. I want to pause in a dingy bar and have a beer on a whim. I want to meet friends for coffee at our favorite spot. I want to go to the movies on a regular basis. I LOVE movies in the theater. I want to practice my French with someone! I want a little anonymity. I want more amenities.

Of all the things I want for me, I also want for my kids, and MORE! I want them to join clubs that interest them. I want them to be comfortable out of their comfort zone. I want them to have independence, and confidence. I want them to experience volunteering and helping. I want them to be adaptable to change. I want them to be have a bigger life. Not necessarily more stuff. Just more experiences. That's hard to do here in this small town. With kids who are not interested in the "normal" activities offered in a small town, it's difficult to keep them entertained and well rounded.

I realize just wanting something, doesn't make it so. I'm working towards this end and the road is FULL of obstacles. Just when I think I'm making some headway, another road block is thrown in my path and I'm crushed again. I wondered when it was the right time to quit. When do I say "enough is enough"? The same day I was thinking this.... THIS blog link showed up on my twitter feed. "When should you quit your dream?" So speaking to me! Another quote on my twitter feed that leapt off my tiny little screen was this:

" We cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are." ~ Max DePree


And so I don't give up. My dream goes on. It HAS to. I have more to offer. I have more to do. I have more to be.

So when I'm having my struggles and I'm blogging about how things are not going in the right direction; THIS is the direction I'm talking about. This is what's inside me and needs to come out.

Having said all that, I'm now off on a vacation for 10 days. I appreciate the opportunity and have a great amount of gratitude for this luxury. I'm not a complete selfish bitch.  I will spend the next 10 days, NOT thinking about the rest of my life. Not thinking about what needs to get done. Not thinking about getting older and time slipping away. Not thinking.

I'll pick up where I left off when I get back! thanks again for letting me vent!(like you have a choice! ha)

Practice what you preach ~ ERIN

Last night I started a post. Writing about change and how some people hate it. Avoid it at all costs. Focus their lives on keeping their way of life, just there. I was chastising , up on my high horse. "I welcome change, Love it, want to throw it a party!" What I realized this morning was that I welcome change when I'm getting what I want. There's something that I want (to be near the ocean) and when the thought of that NOT happening, presented itself, or the idea, that I would have to wait longer than anticipated; I was pissy.

It's no wonder I couldn't publish the post I started last night. The words seemed to be stuck. I just couldn't get out what I was trying to say. I know now, that was because it wasn't truth. Life IS change. It can be welcomed or fought. There is nothing wrong with either. In the end, change is always good as it propels you closer to the person you were meant to be. But getting there is not always easy. Sometimes change is scary. Sometimes it's questioned so much, that it's not acted upon until it's too late. It's hard to just dive right it. But that's what I want everyone to do.

I've been saying all along to just 'do it'! Don't be afraid. Things will all work out. I suppose when you have a clear vision of what you want, that becomes easier for you. It's when you're full of doubt that you balk at doing anything. Fear paralyzes you. I'm started to appreciate that now. I still believe with every fiber of my being, in what I want out of life. I still aim to get there. I'm learning patience and understanding. Learning that not everyone is on the same page and can't be forced. That's a hard lesson for me. I'm stubborn. Always have been. It's good that someone can be the encouraging one, but being forceful is not good for anyone. Even if it means getting your own way. There IS a cost.

I'm glad I couldn't finish my post last night. I would have been eating my words today.

So I approach today with with patience, gratitude and acceptance. This is what IS, right now. Enjoy! I hope you can enjoy yours too!

There's no accounting for taste

Food, clothes, music, decorating style, hair styles, shoes, men, sex.........the list goes on. (just when it was getting good, too!) So many differences. I have friends with whom I differ on every subject. I don't know anyone who loves everything I love. These differences are really what makes the world go around. There's someone for everyone, there's a favorite for everything. Thank goodness for that. But what happens when you change? You no longer like the "bohemian chic" wardrobe that your closet is full of.

 You no longer can wear high heels (that you have hundreds of) because of injury. You now have a great distaste for blue, even though every room in your house contains a shade!

 Some things are easy to change. Others......well.......therein lies the question. What do you do with all those clothes. Do you just get rid of them? Cast them aside? How can you just "change" who you are? For me change has always been gradual. I didn't wake up one day and decide that bike riding was something I loved. The more I did it, the more I grew to love it. On the flip side, the more I watch reality shows, the more I dislike them! What creates change then? To the right or the wrong, to start or to stop, how does it work? We are forever growing and changing. We've heard it a million times in a million different ways. But why? Why can't we develop what we like and just stay the same. I suppose some people do? I haven't met any of them but....I hear they're out there.

I struggle with change and not the way one would expect. I love it, but it scares me. But I love THAT it scares me. It makes me feel alive. Those around me don't embrace it with as much enthusiasm as I do. Then I doubt if the change I'm loving is "correct". (for lack of a better word) But I think if I'm for the change, it can't be wrong. Can it? If I feel it...........is it wrong? Maybe it's only right for me??? This is a bit of a problem when your decisions don't affect just you. Which is no one, I guess.

You've probably figure out by now that I'm not talking about clothes, or shoes or paint colors. If you haven't, then you're a little slow. That's okay. I still like you. Thanks for letting me vent.

What's your perception?

We think people change. Quite often they don't.There are a few who are aware and make a conscious decision to change ....and DO! Those people are few and far between.One thing that does change frequently over time, is our perception . There's a poem of sorts that goes around about how we have friends in different phases of our life to fulfill certain things. Different people are there to teach you things, help you through something,bring you out of your shell,show you how not to live, how to love, how to recover, how to grow, how to find. AS we grow older, and hopefully become wiser, our perception of these friends changes. NOT the friends. I've heard before that "people will show you who they are, and when they do, believe them!" I still believe this to be a true statement BUT; (and this is a big but); if you are not ready, or able to see them; you will only see what you want (need) to see at the time.This can be tricky as we are all in different places at different times.

This is a really hard concept for me to ad hear to. I KNOW this to be true but still I struggle. I get confused as to what is MY journey and what is YOUR journey. It's hard to step back and  let others make mistakes. It's hard to yell when you see them headed down a wrong path. I know I was not a good listener when it came to what I wanted to do.No one could tell me different when my mind was made up. I'm still not very good at being told what to do.(which I have mentioned in the past)I've gotten better at listening to my REAL inner self, though. To the universe. To God. This helps now but I'm pretty sure I was completely unaware of it 10 years ago!
 I see people coming into my life and I see people going. I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do now? Do I let them go? Has my perception of them changed? A little. Some just don't seem to be what I need right now. Some seem to have changed . Or rather my perception of them has changed. Either way.....something I need to meditate about! Where do they belong in my life? If at all?

Some people are forever friends. Not always in huge capacities every step of the way but, forever, nonetheless. Some are just passing through. do you know the difference? Or do you even care?

I